On coaches giving advice
Well placed advice can be the golden ticket that skyrockets you to new horizons. But mostly it’s just dis-empowering projections from wannabe yodas.
I say this after a friend recently told me that his mother had begun a coaching program that was having a marvelous impact on her. The goal of the program was to re-create her life story, starting from the ground up. Each session, the coach would choose a new exercise for her client to complete, guiding the process to help her step into a more serene and anchored life. The program seemed to be working wonders, and my friend’s mom was making incredible progress, moving away from constant anger into a newfound emotional maturity.
I congratulated my friend, happy for his mother’s wonderful changes. He then asked how this fit into my coaching work. I paused…then said, rather flatly, that this approach is in direct opposition with my coaching philosophy, indeed on how I think advice should be given.
For me, a coach seeks to bring forth the innate wisdom of a client through their presence and curiosity. It is of course tempting to give advice, to lay down the facts, to steer the conversation, to share one’s hard earned wisdom. Indeed, many life coaches, buoyed by their experience with clients from around the world, become life experts, that is to say people with an answer and resources to any issue.
At first, a coaching client that has been given advice will gush with pleasure and gratefulness. You have given them the golden key that they were looking for! However, to give this advice is often a trap, sprung in the long-term. Here’s why:
You are giving them the wrong solution.
You can never understand the intricacies of a client’s life better than they do. Only they know what they love, what they hate, the things they’ve tried, what makes them tick. Something that has worked for you simply doesn’t hold the same bearing for them.
By giving them the solution, you are teaching them that they can’t find answers for themselves
Even if your answer was exactly what the client needed, they ultimately won’t feel empowered the next time a challenge comes up. Good for business perhaps, but not for building long term capacity in the client.
By giving the solution, you remove the search
In the Malcolm Gladwell class on masterclass.com, he speaks of search engines being horrible because they stop the search, stifling any curiosity. In the same way that Gladwell recommends to visit a library to see the books surrounding what you seek, I recommend letting the client enjoy the complexity and unexpected discoveries of their search.
So instead of offering advice, I offer space. Space for the discomfort, for the pain of not knowing, for the hopes and dreams. And, in that moment of silence, a spark will emerge. A spark that the client has themselves lit. And then, as a coach, you can gently blow and help them give great roaring life to the flame. And voilà, a fire is born. And you didn’t start it.
And, in case you are wondering, I don’t follow these principles with friends at all, unless they are asking for a coaching space. Because facilitators shouldn’t facilitate conversations with their friends (this should be expounded on, but essentially this is both controlling and anti-vulnerability). I instead follow a much simpler principle: say whatever you feels most true in the moment and go from there.
